KISS THE OTHER SHEIK Scherzo in three acts
THE MAN WITH THE FIVE BALLOONS
Screenplay by
Directed by
The machine, the machine, the machine...
It doesn't work.
It must produce 348 pieces per minute.
- They are 340. - 8 less. Why?
348, 348, 348...
- It has human moves. - The hell with it! It's not working properly.
It must produce 348...
It's German, it will make them.
Three four eight, three four eight...
Mister Mario, The man with the balloons is in the other room.
We need new ideas for Christmas this year, not balloons.
- Do you mind if I inflate it? - Go ahead. But it's pointless.
Hello, Giovanna. I'll wait for you at my place, as usual.
Yes. Good-bye!
- This is traditional advertisement. - Is it going to blow up?
Noo, it's not going to blow up!
One needs great lungs in order to sell balloons.
Blow up! No! Now it's going to blow up, blow up. Blow up!
- Heey, hello! - Carletto, why don't you go in the other room?
- Pretty, huh? - Yes. Do you want to show me how good you are at inflating it?
Hm, no.
- Because dad said it's going to blow up. - Damn you dad, you stole that balloon from me anyway.
If it blows up, it's your fault.
Yes, it's my fault. Go ahead and blow, show me how good you are.
See the little ear is still flat. Blow, come on!
Good job, keep going! See how it's growing bigger and bigger.
You can't even inflate a balloon! Go away, idiot, go!
- (military salute) - Hello!
Where are you going?
I'm here, in the kitchen.
- What are you looking for? - A coke.
- Giovanna, look! - (outside) What is it, a wedding? - What are you wearing?
What's wrong? Work, work!
- Am I chic? - You know, you're obsessed.
What are you doing? Come on, let's go.
- You put the balloons in the fridge. - Right, as If would do that!
This is the proof that the idiotic son of the porter put his hands in here.
Now his father won't be able to deny it.
All right, but once we're married I don't want to see those two dimwits in our house!
Come on let's go, or this is going to ruin my day.
How can I inflate it?
You're such a littl girl. Straighten your shoulders! I'm going to force you to wear a corset!
You know, we didn't even say "Good morning" to each other.
- Good morning. - Good morning. How are you?
- I'm well. And you? - I'm all right, thank you.
Excuse me, I'll be back. Vroom!
- How was work? - It was great, we installed the new machines.
Come on, show me.
You're cheating! No no, you should bow in that direction! Et-voila!
- Are you out of your mind? There's going to be a bruise for a week. - Come on, it's the penance.
Oh Goodness, this dog! What did I do to it?
Why don't you bring it to your mother? It's making a mess everywhere!
Why instead don't you try to be nice to it... And you, dumbass, you've seen her for a year...
...get smart and say hi to the lady!
Come here, pretty face.
No, no, sorry! Don't touch me with your dirty hands.
- Wash your hands first. It's gross! - Oh come on, always this problem.
Well yes, go wash your hands. I told you, I hate it.
Anyway, Furio (the dog) is really clean.
Nah! He touches the dog first...
Our ceremony... Where should I start? Let's see...
Oh, these boots are so long!
- Come on! - Red garter?
- Take them off from the feet. - Whoosh!
Oh, come on!
It doesn't want to come off.
Such cute little feet! Come here.
See, I don't mind. Instead, you... "Wash your hands" (mimicking)!
- Remember that you have to call my dad. - Yes, I'll call him later.
Let me rest my head on you pretty belly.
No, why?
Your head is heavy.
- Listen, but does your dad know that we make love? - Well he trusts me. - Yea?
- And we're going to be married in 20 days anyway. - Yea, if he trusts you... - So it's ok.
Why don't you do me a little favor...
- Let me see it for a second... - What?
You know what.
- Do you hear? Hmm, come on. - No, I don't like that.
Come on!
- Come on! - Ok, but you stay there, and don't move.
Ok, I won't move.
- Do you promise? - I promise.
Come on, hurry up, I can't wait all day!
Aren't you my lover, then come on, move!
Do your thing!
It's an order!
You're really obsessed.
The show begins!
- Stay there and don't move, ok? - I promise.
I'll do it but this is not cool.
Lower the curtain!
At least you could watch!
I'm doing all this for you, and you inflate your balloon?!?
But I blow with my mouth, And I watch with my eyes.
- Right... - Keep going.
The hell with it!
It's the last time I do that. Stop it with this balloon!
It's strange. I started to blow, and now I don't want to stop.
But I can't keep going forever. What do you say, should I continue?
I say that you stop it. Come one, you're not continuing.
Here goes the sweater!
I'm going to blow it up for love.
I'm going to blow it in your honor. Are you happy?
Do it.
Poor balloon.
Come here.
Who should I give this balloon to, now?
Let's give it to the little angel.
- If one starts thinking... - You ahve the whole week to think.
It seems a silly thing, but it's actually a problem.
- What? - When you reach a certain point, you don't know if there will be room for more air.
- Hm, so? - So you don't know when to stop.
- Stop what? - To blow. - Idiot.
- Do you want some? - No, thanks.
- What are you thinking about? - Nothing.
How can you eat condensed milk like that! that should be used for cappuccino.
Look here, it looks like a battlefield.
- Look at this mess! - Read this.
"Stupid". Oh, thank you.
You know what l"m going to do with your "stupid"? I'm going to eat it!
It tickles!
So you wrote "stupid", hm?
- Then, write something else. - What?
I don't know... something you think about me.
Wait.
- Big stup... - And I'm going to eat your "big stupid" too.
It's good.
What are you looking at?
...41, 42, 43, 44...
...45, 46, 47, 48, 49...
...50, 51, 52, 53...
...54, 55, 56, 57.
I brought you some whisky. And the ice.
How is it going with the pump?
Well, I'm happy. Have you seen? Look!
- Hey, look! - Yes. - See, ice! Pretty, huh?
- Look, it looks like crystal! - Stop it, come on.
How many ice cubes do you want? Two, three, four, five, six?
Listen, Giovanna, don't you understand? Leave me alone for a second.
We were together all afternoon, we made love.
We spoke until now. Now let me do this work in peace.
I came to the end of it, and I found out that with the pump, one can't make a mistake
because it's mathematic, do you understand?
It's the same reason that Germans keep going on.
They're rational, mathematic. And tenacious.
Go in the other room. Can't you go watch tv for a bit.
Please go.
During the week I have to wait because you work.
I can't go out with anybody, because you're jealous.
And on Saturday I come to see you to have fun, and be with you.
And you tell me to go watch tv!
- Fine. Like a saint, I'll go watch tv. - Yes, go go.
Here's to us, you old lion!
77, 78...
...79, 80...
- Where are you going? - I'll be right back. - Tell me where you are going!
- I'll be right back, watch tv! - Please, tell me where you're going!
You, come here!
Why did you put the balloons in the fridge? Damn you!
Come on, tell me something!
Touch here!
I told you, these things cannot be solved empirically, they must be analyzed scientifically.
But you are an engineer. Give me some technical advice!
Right, I'm going to give you technical advice, on Saturday afternoon while I'm getting a massage!
- Look, I'll blow some more. - Now it's going to blow up!
- That's precisely what I wanna find out. Touch here! - How annoying...
I can blow more.
- Keep your hands on it! Tell me if I can blow more.
Damn it, what kind of engineer are you??
All done.
What a day!
Little poetic cloud.
- Get a massage, too. - No, I don't feel like it today.
- Tell me what you think. - (lady, in japanese) Good-bye. - Good-bye.
Listen up, I'm not a kid, I'm an engineer, I don't want to stay here and play with balloons.
All right, you're an engineer, I'm an industrialist and I have a checkbook. How much do you want?
Nothing. Since you decided to break "my balloons", I'll give you advice...
...for free. Ok? - Ok, good.
Ok, listen.
Every result derives from a set of proofs.
You want to know the breaking point of the balloon. Where? In what place?
For example, the pressure in this room is very different from the massage room.
- Good evening. - Good evening, professor.
- Have you had your massage? - Yes. - Good, well done.
Mr. Mario, careful with the carpet. Your shoes!
See, the pressure in that room is again different from this one...
Wait a second!
Here, since the sauna is close, the humidity is also different.
So, you want to know the breaking point of the balloon.
But you have to tell me if you wanna know it here, there or over there. Do you understand?
- I don't know... in the middle! - In the middle... - Come on, you know what I mean.
Anyway, now I gave you the examples of humidity and pressure.
But there 100.000 other elements that determine the result.
Some, you can assign from the beginning, but some are unpredictable.
The hell with you, talking about unpredictable...
There are always unpredictable elements.
- The door! - Hey, Mario! How are you?
Well, you have to know that this man here came with a balloon to inflate.
If the people at the bank saw him, they'd take the balloon away.
Anyhow... what is precisely that you want to know?
Get to the point... You didn't understand anything.
And the audience here doesn't really intimidate me.
I asked something really simple, which will make you laugh.
I just wanna know, how much I can inflate this balloon.
Because if I stop blowing and there's still room left inside, I failed.
- Do you understand? - Why don't you take your hat off?
So, the problem is simple, yet also very importante for me.
Because if I can't make it, I'm a failure, inside.
Since you don't have any moral qualms in yourselves, you're all jerks. Understood?
Hello, listen wait for me, I'm coming there. Wait, come on!
Are you mad?
Wait, I'll be there soon, I'll bring you a surprise. Stay there, ok?
Don't worry, Sir, this is the best of our meat from Lomellina.
Excuse me.
- Have you been helped, Sir? - Thanks, I'd like a truffle.
They're truly beautiful. Here, smell this.
- Didn't you wet them too much? - Oh, no, here we don't do that.
White from Alma, really fresh.
- Should I wrap it, Sir? - Yes. - Anything else?
No, I'll take a look around.
- Can I help you, Sir? - Good evening.
Listen, do people always eat this much?
Of course they do! They eat and they forget everything.
- Much better than cocaine! - Really? Well then, let's eat.
- What do you have that is good? - Well If i had to pick, we have this great risotto...
- Pick me a good dinner. - This risotto is great.
Hm, before I get home it'll become like glue.
But Sir, we have a special, thermal wrapping.
Really? Then, let's get the risotto!
Dinner for two?
I brought so much stuff, we'll have a great dinner!
Let's eat! Can you smell the truffle? Smell here!
Truffle, turkey, canape, champagne! Everything you want!
It's you and I, here, alone. Aren't you happy?
An hour and a half to go to buy food?
I was nervous, I needed to get some fresh air. Let me stay here.
- What do you want? - I wanna stay here. Please?
I don't know how to live without you. You have to bear with me.
Otherwise I can't... Do you love me?
- How much? - yes. - But how much?
- Very much. - Very, very much.
Sweet, sweet love.
If you can't stand me anymore, I can't do anything anymore...
You understand that, right?
Take off your clothes.
I wanna make love.
Furio!
Do you like it?
Stop it!
This was the right time!
You jerk! I'm going to kill you!
I'm going to crack your head open! Don't laugh!
I'm an inch from your nose! An inch!
- You're out of your mind. - Who's out of their mind? Look here! Look if I'm crazy!
I have control over my actions! I'm going to cut your head off! Understood?
You never smoke. How come you're smoking now? That's why you were waiting calmly, you're a sadist!
I'm going to stick a finger up your nose, and break it down!
Don't laugh! I'm going to kill you!
Tell me I'm crazy because I want to think...
- Ohh, stop it, you're annoying! - Aaaah, I'm annoying!
- (Giovanna) You're totally crazy.
Madam, you stop at the object itself.
Try to understand the meaning.
Go away, madam.
I'm an idiot!
- To stay here, and wait for you, and bear with you. - I don't need you as a wife.
GO AWAY!
I'm going to tell you gently, Madam. Go, go to your dad who trusts you. Go.
- I have to get my clothes. - Sure, go ahead.
- And my boots, too. - Sure! I'll leave the door open.
- I wonder how I could make love to you! You disgust me!
You're a monster and a selfish man.
That's what you are. But I'm sick of this situation.
You stay here alone with your candies, your dog, your money.
Your understanding... What do you want to understand, anyway?
Do you like it? Later.
Now the truffle. 9000 lira! (around 7 dollars)
500, 1000, 1500...
...2000, 2500...
...3000, 3500, 4000. I'll stop, or my liver will hurt.
I need to stay calm. I should follow your example.
The truth is, you're already a corpse.
Moet Chandon, brut, year 1944.
That might be a lie. The Germans stole everything.
Slowly, scientifically.
Let's pour it. The foam... I like the foam.
To you!
Do you want the balloon? I'll give it to you.
In your face!
He had to fall right on my car, that idiot. Damn it.
How am I going to fix this now...
Let me move, please!
Even the slipper... You can keep your slipper!
Excuse me, let me through. Nobody says anything to this guy...
You only worry about your car. A man fell from above, he might die, this poor guy.
- Who are you? The Police? - Of course not!
You only worry about your car. In the end, this is a man...
- This is my car! - I know that.
- Then worry about your own car! - Be a civil person!
- I didn't tell him to throw himself out of the window. - Be human, it's a man after all...
- Do you have a car? - Yes, I do.
So if I come here and start doing this on your car...
But the man can be dead!
So? Who is dead stays down, who is alive accepts that.
- Go away! - This is ridiculous!
RUSH HOUR
From the play in one act "Dangerously" by E. De Filippo
Screenplay
Directed by
- Please, can you check if there's a message for me?
My name is Michele Profili.
- No Sir, no messages. - Thank you.
- Can I have a telephone coin, please. - Sure, in a moment.
Professor, can I ask you some questions?
Look, i wouldn't know what to tell you.
Is it true that you have been nominated for the Nobel prize for Physics?
I don't think so, I don't know...
- Have you been away from Italy for long? - Twelve years. But now let me go, please.
- How long are you staying? - Look, I just came here for a short break, to rest.
Don't ruin my holidays from the beginning, please.
Thank you Professor, and I am sorry.
Carmelina, I'll get it.
I'm coming! Hello?
Hello, is that Rossi's house?
- Yes. - Are you Mrs. Rossi? - Yes, that's me.
- I am Michele Profili. - Oh, Professor, welcome! What a pleasure to have you here!
Arturo told me so much about you! Come whenever you like, here all is ready!
Oh ok, but Arturo told me he would come to pick me up at Fiumicino airport. But I don't see him.
Really? I'm worried, too. This morning, when he went out, he looked so upset.
Upset? Why's that?
He shot me. Ooh, so I'll wait for you. See you later!
Good, good.
Mrs. Rossi?!? Hello!
Michele, finally! How are you?
- I'm well... - Sorry that I'm late, I found some traffic.
Living in Rome is becoming impossible. Come, my car is outside.
I'm really sorry.
- Were you scared? - No, no.
With your nervous breakdown...
- Did you cure it well? - Yes, indeed.
I was in a clinic for a month.
- What did they do to you? - Sleep therapy.
That sounds relaxing. And those tics you had?
Oh, they're gone.
That's good. You look thinner.
But you'll get better.
I'm really happy to hear that you're fine.
Now it's important that you rest well, before starting that series of conferences.
You'll see, before leaving my house, you'll have to call the tailor!
- The tailor? - Yes, you'll need new clothes!
I'll make you become like this, look...
Listen, I don't want to bother you. Maybe it's better if I stay in a hotel.
Are you kiddind? We're childhood friends!
Yes but... now it's different. You're married now.
Oh, now that you reminded me! I have to stop for a second.
- Do you mind? - No, go ahead.
WEAPONS
Here is the revolver which wasjammed, and this is the gun you ordered.
Thank you. I'll be back to pay the bill.
- The bullets! - Oh, thanks. Good-bye.
I'm sorry. Let's go.
- Do you like strawberries? - Very much, thanks.
Oh thank God. They're my husband's favorite!
My big sweet cat.
Meow, meow. Kitty, I'm your cat.
Listen up, where did you put that magazine I gave you?
- In our bedroom. - There's a great article about you.
It says that next year you'll be nominated for the Nobel prize. Did you know?
Well yes, they told me.
A great scientist like you would surely deserve it.
Thanks, but it's not official yet.
I even thought that they were joking.
Right...
Arturo, why don't you ask him about tonight?
Right. What are we doing tonight?
I couldn't plan anything, because I didn't know whether you were tired or not...
My beautiful cat takes care of everything!
My kitty! You're my kitty, right?
Yes, I'm a little tired! You know, the trip, and everything else...
And tomorrow I'd like to visit my sister in Naples.
It's been a long time since I've seen her.
And of course now there are also nephews and nieces.
Be careful!
I even warned you!
- That's nothing, really. - I'm really sorry.
- What are you doing? With a knife? Are you crazy? - With the blade, it's better.
- Yea right, so the stain gets even worse. - What are you talking about, you can barely see it.
Right, Michele?
Yes, sure...
What do you expect, that he says it's visible? He's a guest!
The stain is there and it's evident!
Well so you tell me, what should I do? Should I hang myself?
Ok I made a mistake, let's toast to that.
Now with some wine you think you fixed it?
I'll give you mine.
Of course, since I gave it to you. You hated it from day one, you just couldn't wait to get rid of it.
Oh yes that's true, you gave this to me.
You didn't even remember.
DOn't make such a scene, come on. Where is the baby powder?
In this house we buy tons of baby powder. A little bit of attention would be enough.
Yesterday french fries, today cream, tomorrow pasta with meatsauce...
It's so difficult to take care of him.
But this is a wife's fate.
- A husband instead has the office, his business... - Oh, the office, business...
But these are things for serious people! But you? What do you do?
You sit there all day, drawing, then you come home and you start giving orders!
Bring me this, bring me that!
- Just stop it. - You're exaggerating now. Stop it!
You don't like to hear the truth, huh? "You're exaggerating no, stop it" - whatever!
Dorotea, Arturo, really, calm down.
She really gets on my nerves.
- Come on, Dorotea, where do you keep the baby powder? - Go look for it.
- Dorotea, stop it. - Come on, be nice...
- You shut up, don't touch me! What are you going to do if I don't stop it, huh? - Don't provoke me.
- Let's not cross certain boundaries... - What are you doing?
Let me go, Michele! This is the time to end this once and for all.
- Right, let's end this once and for all! - This time you won't escape.
- Oh my God! Help! - Arturo, please don't do it!
Get out of the way, Michele.
Quick! This way!
There he is!
- Aren't there any keys in this house?!? - I don't know, but I'm so scared!
There he is! Let's run!
This way!
Freeze!
- No, no! - Don't shoot!
Here are the smelling salts.
I survived this time, too.
I wonder what saint protects me.
Thank you.
How much sugar?
You know, just one spoon, better if it's too bitter.
- Kitty... - My cat.
You're bad.
You always get mad so easily. 1,2,3,4... And you shoot.
Dorotea really loves her big cat.
Do the cat. Come on.
- I'm a cat... purr. - Yes, yes. - Purrr.
Why the hell did I come here? I could have stayed in a hotel...
It would have been great.
(Arturo) -Kitty, can you stop reading and we turn the light off?
- Thanks God. (Arturo) -Tomorrow I have so much to do.
(Arturo) -Please put the book down. Kitty, put the book down!
(Dorotea) -Don't be annoying. Uff!
(Arturo) -Put that book down! At this time, we should sleep.
(Dorotea) -No, leave me alone, dictator!
(Arturo) - I said put the book down!! (Dorotea) - I'm not going to put the book down!!
(Arturo) - Ouch!! (Dorotea) - Ha ha, you hurt yourself! Too bad!
(Arturo) -That's enough, give me that book!!
Oh God...
- Aah! Who's that? - Shh! Arturo has the gun.
A gun...
- Have you ever noticed that the gun is loaded with blanks? - Of course it is.
But from time to time he uses real bullets!
Russian roulette!
Here, take it.
- Dorotea, what are we doing here? - Not what you're thinking.
Here he is!
Arturo, we didn't do anything!
I know. Now get out of the way.
- Yes, but how? - Dorotea, put that book down! - No!
- Do it while I'm being nice. - No, no! - Then you know what's going to happen.
Put down that gun, think about it!
Assassin! Help!
Michele! What's wrong?
Damn it!
Michele? What are you doing? Where do you want to go?
Where? To denounce you, you murderer!
- Who, me? - Yes, you!
Now Dorotea is lying in my bed in a bloodbath!
How does this open?!?
Be quiet, you're going to wake up the whole building!
- Murderer! - What murderer? It's a gun loaded with blanks!
- But there's a real bullet in there! - Of course not, that's what I tell Dorotea!
- It's only loaded with blanks! - Really?
Come one, come upstairs.
You saw how difficult is my wife.
I couldn't stand her anymore. What could I do? I didn't want to kick her out.
One day I found a pistol with blanks in my pocket.
I shot her.
From that moment she turned into another person. Sweet, docile, yielding.
So I understood that, in order to live in peace, one must shoot his wife!
But couldn't you tell me in advance? My nerves are still so weak.
You're right, but I thought I write you about that. It's been a year already.
But what about the neighbors? Don't they complain?
Heh, in the beginning it was a mess. The porter, the neighbors...
Then I explained to them and they understood.
Actually, many people followed my example. And they still thank me.
- Really? - Sure, this system is spreading, I get letters everyday.
Tons of letters. Even from abroad now.
- Big cat... - Sweetheart!
What are you doing down there? You'll catch a cold.
Come upstairs, I'll make you a hot chocolate.
Ok love, we'll be right there!
See? Let's go.
- What is it? - That's Dr. Bellis, on the second floor.
Great man, surgeon. Very beautiful wife.
We hang out quite often. They come to our house, we go to theirs...
Go ahead. He was the first to follow me with this new system.
Listen, I thought about what happened last night. It's a great idea, tremendous.
Who doesn't wish for a sweet, quiet, understanding wife?
And you could perfect your system.
We would need a bullet with... talcum powder, poppy, bromide...
...and a bit of Spanish fly, that would be good.
Let's talk about this in the car.
I also thought that the product could be sold on the international market with a great name:
"The bullet of happiness"! It would sell like crazy in America.
Arturo!
Since Michele is going to Naples, I called mom and I told her we would go there for breakfast.
I'm going to Naples with him. Didn't I tell you?
Yes, he's coming with me.
- You're going away? - I'll be back soon, it will take only half a day.
Oh no!
You can't do this to my mother! You're not going to Naples!
- Dorotea give me the car keys. - No, I won't.
Shoot her and let's go, it's late.
No, the arguement must start out nicely, and then grow worse and worse. Don't laugh please!
Make up your mind! Michele, let's go.
Stop!
If you come any closer, I'm going to toss the keys!
And I'm goign to shoot you.
Arturo, come on, what are you doing?
You know you're going to jail? (laughs)
But that was a real bullet, Arturo!
Oh right, from time to time I put a real bullet in, or she won't believe me anymore!
But I aim too low.
Excuse me one moment.
Aren't you exaggerating? She didn't really do anything.
Not now. But tonight when I'm back, I'll be tired and I want to sleep.
So it's in advance?
- Put it away, ok? - Sure, Doctor.
Oh, this is the lawyer D'Ambrosio. He hasn't shot for a while!
Hah, this is Sorrini. He has a terrible wife.
- Who was this? - I don't know, it must be a new one. I told you, it's popular.
Wow, it must be a bad day.
Well, at this time all the husband are going out.
- I understand: the "rush hour"! - Yes.
THE BLOND WIFE
Synopsis by
Screenplay by
Directed by
Pepita, sit down love. Help me.
Here, one moment please.
- I'll get out. (something not in Italian)
Pepita, sit down sweetheart.
I have to get out. One moment please!
Leave us alone! Pepita!
Sweetheart, I'm leaving. A little kiss?
- The money... - Money? But I gave you some yesterday.
- Tailor, hairdresser... - Fine, fine.
- Car insurance, make-up... - I'll put it here, ok? Bye!
Nourishing cream, hydrating cream...
Italy - very expensive. (foreign accent)
- Can you lend me 4 million (lira)? - Of course. - Thanks.
Nice, smooth money.
So, 4 million and 2 earlier, I owe you 6 million.
Take your time.
Instead, you still owe me 1500 lira for the movie theater, from last week.
Take your time.
Damn it! She's always sleeping. How can I make the bed?
She's always sleeping, it's incredible.
Listen, since you've read Freud, what can this mean?
I really hate American cars.
It's a transference. The car, is your wife.
- But she was in the dream, too. - But she was one with the car.
See, in your subconscious, Pepita is like an American car.
Very beautiful, but cumbersome.
Yes, and like American cars, Pepita "consumes" way too much.
Good morning.
Look over there!
- Who's that? - That's Ali Bennali. He was on the newspaper, too.
He has two floors at the Hilton, and 40 wives.
- But there are only 5. - Well he must have brought only a delegation.
Good morning.
40 wives! If you think that Pepita alone costs me 150,000 lira per month.
And he's a prince, so presents, jewels... Let's say 200,000 each wife.
- At the least. - That's 8 million every month.
- Rastrelli! - Yes, director.
Bring 8 million here immediately.
I'll be right there.
Pepito! Here you are! How are you love?
You're home already?
Look at what you've done!
I'm sorry. What's for dinner?
- Is there anything good in the kitchen? - Spaghetti bolognese and rice with peas.
That's... original, two first courses.
Can you open them by yourself? I still have to shower. Such a bad day, today...
Well she's surely a bit American.
Are you done?
Leave it to me, I'll do it.
- Was it good? - Yes.
- Were the spaghetti good? - Yes, dear, they were great.
That's good.
He must be such a nice guy.
He must be a really great man.
Most importantly, he must be so rich.
And then, he's a real aristocrat. Of course, a real prince...
I don't know, he passed by for a moment, I barely saw him.
I know you were looking at the wives.
People say that those are the most beautiful blondes in the world.
- Why blond? - Didn't you read?
It's written... here.
His main activity is to travel the world to buy wives.
As long as they're blond and beautiful, he doesn't care about the price.
What do you mean, "buy"? Where?
Well, from whoever has what he wants.
When he sees a blond woman, he pays and buys her.
He wanted to buy Kim Novak, he offered 500 million!
It's true! It's all written there.
Architect!
Tell me, accountant Gasparri!
Would you sell your wife?
Are you out of your mind? Me, selling my wife? I'd rather be poor!
Ha ha, you huh? Always with these strange thoughts.
Oh Madam I apologize, I didn't see you. Good evening.
Why, did you hear of any offer?
No, I wasjust saying.
- They take... so much out of us, right?
When I come home at night, I'm tired. But she plays one of her discs and...
...can you hear?
And then she starts to bite her hair.
And that's the sign of her... libido, let's say.
Erminia too, you know. She punches me here...
And it hurts, you know, because she hits exactly my muscle...
And that means that...
Ouch!
- Accountant. - Good night.
And sleep well!
- Honey! - Yes, dear.
Ok.
- Can I take the picture? - No, wait a second!
Sweetheart, you must be smoother.
Straighten your leg, try to be sensual.
Come on, it looks like you're sleepy.
Like this, wet your lip. Stay there!
Go!
Ok, now love, let's do one standing!
And without the veil, so it's easier to see you.
Now, come here.
Do you remember when, in Paris, we saw the girl who moved like a tiger?
Aggressive.
Mario, are you sure we need all of this for my driving licence's picture?
Love, don't worry, do the tiger!
Ready?
There, good. Come on!
Now stay up straight, with the sombrero.
More provocative, sweetie.
Go, go! Now do the hula dancing. Like that!
Stop! Stay there!
Gok!
Indian!
Right, good.
Gok, gok!
Stop! Gok!
Your mouth!
And the leg!
Don't forget the lips, honey!
Sensual!
Almost vampiric.
You know what I mean, come on.
Yes, good... Go, go!
Excuse me, the prince Ali Bennali?
- He's leaving. - Leaving? - Yes, over there.
Your Highness.
I'm the accountant from your bank, Mario Gasparri.
I have something to show you, which might interest you.
My wife Pepita.
Pepita with sombrero.
Pepita Hindu singing.
Pepita the she-tiger. Pepita and the foam bath.
She's gorgeous.
Pepita Oriental dream, Pepita sunny morning...
Pepita Hawaian memory, Pepita in intimacy...
...and Pepita French revolution.
Cri!
Unfortunately, dear friend, I already have this type.
Stockholm, 1963. 2 million crowns.
260 million lira...
But she's worth it, you know?
I'm sorry. But I have many friends over there.
- I think some of them might be extremely interested in this 'product'... - Thanks.
Salam.
Until Africa...
...I knew it was a crazy idea.
(Arabic) Let's go, Madams!
- Dear Mario? - Yes?
This would be a great beach, if there were a sea!
Be careful not to burn your face!
Mario!
Hey stop, let me down.
Poor sweetheart, it's the heat. I knew that.
Don't exaggerate, honey. This weather is actually quite temperate.
- Do you wanna go back? - No, we have to continue, we're almost there!
You'll see how pretty it is, such royal palaces.
Let's hope so.
Where did I put my lighter...
- How did that? - Well, I guess it's a little hot.
Listen, I don't understand this cruise! We saw only sand. So much for a 'fun' trip!
I already told you, it's business for the bank! Be a little understanding!
- But in the desert... - Yes, even in the desert!
If only that idiot would bring us some water. Excuse me, some water!
Look at him sitting.
Dear, be quiet, don't get mad.
Excuse me!
Excuse me, be nice please, give me some water.
Look at that! Sweet, affectionate, o
I'll ask for more money.
(Arabic) - Blond? - Blond, blond. (more Arabic)
Not a blond.
- Yes, she's blond. - Not blond! (more Arabic)
Blond, blond!
He's right. He said she's a natural blonde, but her hair was dyed!
What does "arafje" mean?
- Real blond? - For real, Your Highness.
2,000 dollars? Heh, no Your Highness, I'm sorry...
Please Madam, give me back the pictures.
- There's a misunderstanding here: I don't sell the picture, I sell the original!
My Lord is interested. Where is she?
In the oasis. I'll go get her and I'll be right back!
Wait!
Don't worry, my Lord will send one of his Rolls-Royce.
- One of? - He has 18 of them.
- Wait here. - Ok.
- Blond, huh?! - Absolutely blond, Your Highness!!
I wouldn't have offered otherwise.
- So? - Just a moment, Your Highness. She'll come.
This way? Oh, this is beautiful!
Here she is!
- Do you have a swimming pool, too? - Yes, over there.
Good evening.
Your Highness, look at how she walks, the hips!
A queen! 400 million lire is not enough for her!
A queen, Your Highness!
- Mario, I was so scared! - Why are you so late?
For a moment, I thought they were going to kidnap me.
Then I saw the Rolls Royce outside, and I understood that everything was ok.
- Who's this gentleman? - The emir Omar Maragadir.
- My wife, Your Highness. - How are you?
Due to our business, he wanted to meet you.
He furnished everything with an Arabian taste, did you see?
Why don't we make our living room like this, too?
Of course in a big palace, the problem is the servants. It's too expensive.
But I like it.
- Blond? - True blond.
Dear, the ladies here have nothing on their heads, why are you wearing this sort of helmet? Show you hair.
Show Omar you nice blond hair!
Do you like it?
- Kill him!
What are you saying, "Arafje"? What the hell did you do, Pepita?
I was so rushed, my hair was a mess, I put a wig on.
- A wig? - Yes, of course, a wig.
Your Highness, it's a wig!
Et-voila!
- Do I look better like this? - Oh yes, dear. Much better.
Real, Your Highness.
It's really good.
There must be some black pepper in here, too.
It's really good.
What are you doing? Playing "rock, paper, scissors"?
Hah, it's funny.
- Pepita, why don't you do the surf dance? - Oh, no.
Show Omar how you do the surf dance.
- How can I? It's impossible, with this music. - Come on, you're great with this music, too.
Be nice with Omar.
Omar, look at how Pepita does the surf dance.
She's amazing.
Look at how she dances!
Heh no, for 300 million I would have stayed home.
He's crazy.
Ok, all good, we can sign it.
That's good. Your money: 1, 2 and 3.
As you can see, we kept our agreement.
- But... these are promissory notes! - Of course, Sir. Today nobody pays in cash!
There's the oil crisis, and the bad economic situation.
- But I don't want promissory notes! - What? You don't trust my name?
- But I don't want promissory notes! - But you signed!
- I don't care if I signed! - Kill him!
Pepito, quick!
- Don't argue, just run! - Don't you see we're dancing!
Run!
I was having so much fun. What's wrong?
Damn it!
Ouch! Help!
Guards, coem back! Let them go!
We're safe!
Mario, what happened? Explain me!
You know what that jerk asked me...
...he wanted to buy you! - What?!
Come, sweetheart. Let's go.
- Is this oasis close? - Yes, yes sir!
- How close? - Two days!
Today it's less warm.
Why did we stop? What happened?
Get out!
Uff!
Pepita!
Did you see those men? What's wrong?
Nothing. I don't wanna continue.
Why?
You don't love me anymore.
- What are you talking about? - You don't love me. You don't want me anymore.
But love, it's 140 degrees, we're in the desert...
When a man loves a woman, it's not a matter of temperature.
You're such a kid...
Don't you see, they're praying!
Come!
Come.
Let's go, come on.
Where the hell are you taking me? I've seen only sand for the past 15 days!
- Dear, I told you I have important business. - Yea, with bedouins?
No, they are very rich nomads. They have oil. Not like thatjerk...
- Look, water! - Oh good, go to the swimming pool and freshen up.
- Yes!
Where is your master?
Thanks. Wait for me here, love!
My poor feet!
- Your Highness. - Salam.
(Arabic) Let's see what he wants to sell.
Thank you.
Do you like this?
A lot... no, thanks.
Thank you, you're all very kind but... I have to go!
Mohamed is not good for these things. You made a mistake.
- But his brother likes women. - Oh, really?
And where is he?
- Well, the brother... - Here.
So his brother... the black tent in front of us.
- This one? - Yes.
Is he rich?
- How many Rolls Royce? - Twelve.
To nen tak moc.
Not so many.
They like us dressed like this, with veils.
We have so much fun...
We have everything we want.
I thank you for your offer, but you come at a very sad moment.
Ara the Finnish just died, she was one of my favorite wives.
- I'm sorry. - I suffered a lot in these days.
I can understand that.
"Topless". Has it arrived in your country?
I suffered so much.
But precisely for this reason, Your Highness... "From a bad thing, a good one can come."
Maybe my Pepita can help you cure this pain, and chase away these sad memories.
You think so?
Who knows. I could really love such a beautiful creature.
Kolik?
I don't want to take advantage of your loss. 500 million lira.
- That's a lot of money. - But for a gorgeous creature.
- But I don't have cash. - Oh no, no permissory notes!
- Only golden coins. - Oh, yes yes. - And the rest, in jewels.
Sure, I trust you, Your Highness.
- Great, this way. - We'll take the car? - Yes.
No, I don't like this one. That one.
What do you need the yacht for, Your Highness?
Well I took it here now, next year I'll take here the sea!
Get out!
We're here already.
Would you like a couple of Cadillac?
Cadillac? No, too big for Europe.
- Thank you. - (Arabic)
(Speaking Arabic)
Excuse me.
What's going on? Let me go!
I want the Consul! Pepita!
Let me go! Pepita!
Do you mind taking the cost of a Rolls Royce off the total price?
So I'll head North slowly. I haven't seen anything of this Africa.
Before going back I would like to have a real holiday.
I'm sure there's plenty of great things to see. I have seen only sand.
Well, nice to meet you.
For the trip.
So, good-bye everybody, and thanks!
- You car, madam. - Yes, thanks.
Let's go.
Pepita, forgive me! Stop!
Love, that's enough.
I don't want to stay here!
Don't worry.
I'll buy you back.
No, that's not true! You're not coming back for me!
Wait, my love!
Stop, my love!
Stop! Take me with you! I don't want to stay here!